I’ve had a hard time communicating with
my mom lately. We just don’t seem to see anything the same way anymore, and I feel
like she’s always criticizing me. I don’t think
I’m being “rebellious” (the way some of my friends have been with their parents). I just need some space and I need her to respect who I am. I always used to count on her for advice (she was really good at it, too) but now, more often than not, she’s going off on me, telling me what I should or shouldn’t be doing or saying, how I should dress …you name it! How can I make her see that she’s
not letting me be who I am?
back
You’ve asked a great question! While there’s no easy answer, the good news is that until recently you apparently had a pretty good relationship with your mom. It sounds like your mom and you are just having a “power struggle.” You’re starting to define who you are and your mom wants to be a part of that process. The first thing I’d recommend is that you write your feelings down. (But try to stay away from “attacking” your mom’s feelings and actions, just write about your feelings.) Next, jot down soconcrete ideas about what both of you can do to minimize the struggle (i.e., avoid screaming matches, communicate more often, agree upon and respect the house rules, etc.). Then, come up with realistic goals for your next chat with mom (e.g., don’t ask her to let you stay out on a Saturday night until 2:00 am when your current curfew is 11:30 pm!). Next, find a mutually convenient time for the two of you to sit down and talk (Here’s a tip: Don’t plan to talk when you have a test the next day, or a party to get ready for, and definitely not when she’s come home feeling exhausted from a long day at work). Look at your calendars and make a date to talk… and then keep it! Do not cancel! Canceling says you’re not really interested and it’s not that important. If it’s easier for you when you meet, read what you wrote and ask her to wait until you’re done before she responds. And yes, you might have tried doing this before and gotten nowhere. But trust me… writing things down can be magical. Maybe it won’t solve all of your issues, but it can re-establish the good communication you had (and probably miss) before this struggle began. And know that this struggle can also serve as a way to discover your own voice. Remember that in discovering, clarifying, and remaining true to the things that really matter to you (all of which we explore in the book Matters of the Heart), you’ll find it much easier to know which struggles are worth standing up for…
Corin Wiser, M.Ed., Author
Matters of the Heart
